Monday, March 5, 2007

Involuntary Penis Removal

It's not quite what the band King Missile had in mind when they penned that classic song "Detachable Penis" .

In this catchy toon the ol' love torpedo went for a longish wander neglecting its rightful place and duties. The song doesn't detail how the pink bus managed a solitary pilgrimage sans the back wheels (testicles) to assist smoother vehicular movement.

However the moral of the story is clear. The peregrinating python soon learnt the error of its ways and was duly and happily reattached- once again making beautiful music with Rosy Palm and her five sisters.

"Involuntary penis removal" or "penicide" is not such a happy story. Have a look at this cheery news report by Ginny Stein

Ginny engages in a scintillating interview with the leading surgeon of a Thai medical team which has successfully performed more than 30 successful penis re-attachments in the past two decades.

As news report legend has it the crime of penicide came to public attention in Thailand with the report of an angry wife cutting off the penis of her philandering husband and feeding it to her ducks.

Thailand may not claim the most sensationalised "removal" cases (a la Bobbit) but for farangs (white guys) living in Thailand - I presume you know that you are residing in the country where women choose primo uno as a form of revenge waiting until you are sound asleep and then taking a butcher's knife to your blue veined steak.

Guys - after a night out in "the land of smiles" when you wake up in the morning and notice something is missing try and assess the crime scene in a clinical way. The question of how close the shave has been can be critical. As Suthep Warathomgrong (head surgeon of the Thai penis reconstruction team) notes of a recent case "He was lucky to have some part of it left. Some cases are worse, where the cut is too close to the pubic bone and there's no part left to re-attach the new penis to"

Here is a whingey comment from some dude who complains that his goolies prefer the inner warmth provided by his lower intestines:

Question: I was diagnosed a few years ago with a condition called retractile testicles. At the time my doctor told me I would just have to live with it.I've tried but find it very uncomfortable when I do any sporting activities as my testicles retract. Is their anything I can do to correct this uncomfortable condition?

Smarmy bastard. God help us all find a way to safely lock and key the entire family jewels away for the night!

If the bitches do manage to separate me from my bald-headed buddy I at least hope that someone (not the ducks) make a bit of cash from the deal. Wikipedia provides an amusing story following Rasputin's death (and claimed castration):

"A man named Michael Augustine claimed to have purchased the member, along with a number of Rasputin's other personal items, at a lot sale following Marie Rasputin's death. Augustine sold the artifact to Bonhams auction house, but officials quickly realized that the item was not a penis, and was in fact a sea cucumber. It is unclear if the sea creature was the same item worshipped by the aforementioned Russian women in the 1920s, or if Augustine was simply attempting to defraud the auction house."

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