Where Are All The Beautiful Gals?

Wow! A bit of a time since the last post. I can assure you that women are to blame. Those stories can unfold another time. Currently sitting on the banks of the river Pai in way North Thailand. Very dry up here and super smoky too - the locals still haven't given up the old slash and burn. If perhaps they would burn then take a slash - that would help put out the damned fires...

Anyway I digress. Back on topic and I can't help but noticing that there are a real lot of gals around this neck of the woods (actually not too many woods as they seem hell bent on chopping or burning them all down but I digress again) that at 50 metres bear an uncanny resemblance to a wild bush pig and at 10 metres it doesn't get much better.

Where are all those enchanting, tall, winsome Thai lasses in bathing wrap languidly combing their long, black tresses by the banks of the river Pai?

I can tell you where. They are all on assignment in Bangkok where there mission is to SUCK DRY unsuspecting tourists and the richer locals in order to sustain the economy of remote villages like dusty, dry Pai. Whilst the ugly ones are busy ploughing the sweet potato furrows the cute gals are busy getting their furrows ploughed. Country cuties are the true cash crop for these regions.

The local heavy-weights that I have spotted are scrubbing the floors, tending the shops, feeding the chooks and looking after the babies that their sexy sisters on assignment occasionally inadvertently pop out when sufficient precautions haven't been taken.

I had a good bike ride today. But the lack of eye-candy up this way is dragging me down. Back to Bangkok tomorrow!

Involuntary Penis Removal

It's not quite what the band King Missile had in mind when they penned that classic song "Detachable Penis" .

In this catchy toon the ol' love torpedo went for a longish wander neglecting its rightful place and duties. The song doesn't detail how the pink bus managed a solitary pilgrimage sans the back wheels (testicles) to assist smoother vehicular movement.

However the moral of the story is clear. The peregrinating python soon learnt the error of its ways and was duly and happily reattached- once again making beautiful music with Rosy Palm and her five sisters.


"Involuntary penis removal" or "penicide" is not such a happy story. Have a look at this cheery news report by Ginny Stein http://jkn.com/View?j=779901.971817143095

Ginny engages in a scintillating interview with the leading surgeon of a Thai medical team which has successfully performed more than 30 successful penis re-attachments in the past two decades.

As news report legend has it the crime of penicide came to public attention in Thailand with the report of an angry wife cutting off the penis of her philandering husband and feeding it to her ducks.

Thailand may not claim the most sensationalised "removal" cases (a la Bobbit) but for farangs (white guys) living in Thailand - I presume you know that you are residing in the country where women choose primo uno as a form of revenge waiting until you are sound asleep and then taking a butcher's knife to your blue veined steak.

Guys - after a night out in "the land of smiles" when you wake up in the morning and notice something is missing try and assess the crime scene in a clinical way. The question of how close the shave has been can be critical. As Suthep Warathomgrong (head surgeon of the Thai penis reconstruction team) notes of a recent case "He was lucky to have some part of it left. Some cases are worse, where the cut is too close to the pubic bone and there's no part left to re-attach the new penis to"

Here is a whingey comment from some dude who complains that his goolies prefer the inner warmth provided by his lower intestines:

Question: I was diagnosed a few years ago with a condition called retractile testicles. At the time my doctor told me I would just have to live with it.I've tried but find it very uncomfortable when I do any sporting activities as my testicles retract. Is their anything I can do to correct this uncomfortable condition? http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/ate/menshealth/205150.html

Smarmy bastard. God help us all find a way to safely lock and key the entire family jewels away for the night!

If the bitches do manage to separate me from my bald-headed buddy I at least hope that someone (not the ducks) make a bit of cash from the deal. Wikipedia provides an amusing story following Rasputin's death (and claimed castration):

"A man named Michael Augustine claimed to have purchased the member, along with a number of Rasputin's other personal items, at a lot sale following Marie Rasputin's death. Augustine sold the artifact to Bonhams auction house, but officials quickly realized that the item was not a penis, and was in fact a sea cucumber. It is unclear if the sea creature was the same item worshipped by the aforementioned Russian women in the 1920s, or if Augustine was simply attempting to defraud the auction house." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rasputin

Women are bad for you m'kay...

We all know that women on average live longer than men.

The million dollar question is why! ...and the current answer is that researchers don't really know!

Biological superiority, the "recklessness" of man (danger-seeking, smoking, drinking), menopause and "testosterone storms" have variously been cited to explain longevity gender differences http://women.webmd.com/guide/20061201/why-women-live-longer.

Testosterone storms? Menopause? Give me a break. MEN DIE YOUNGER BECAUSE WOMEN NAG!

How About this Reuters 2004 news story "Man aged 107 forsakes sex for longevity - Hong Kong: A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager, who still enjoys an occasional smoke, has attributed his longevity in part to decades of sexual abstinence "I don't know why I have lived this long," Chan Chi -- one of Hong Kong's oldest people -- was quoted as saying in The South China Morning Post during an annual feast for the city's elders. "Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have lived a sexless life for many years -- since I was 30," said Chan, a widower whose youthful bride perished during the Japanese invasion in World War II."

It's not the lack of sex Chan!!! You saved yourself decades of NAGGING!

If your wife hadn't died perhaps you would have been forced to take matters into your own hands to preserve your existence. "Delilah Sydrome" was once proposed in the 1980 by a psychiatrist to defend a man who killed his nagging wife. Deemed "politically incorrect" it was abandoned after a feminist protest.

This article will make you puke. From Christianity Today extolling the virtues of being married and being NAGGED http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/9m1/9m1073.html. William R. Mattox, Jr - you deserve every second of menopausal bitching that you get! By the way do know why they called it PMS? Because MCD "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

Now where did I put my scold's bridle? (pictured above)

[infonote: A scold's bridle is a British invention, possibly originating in Scotland, used between the 16th and 19th Century. It was a device used to control, humiliate and punish gossiping, troublesome women by effectively gagging them]

Here we go...

Well here we go... any stories to tell? Anything you want to get off your chest about the way in which you have "done in" by the "fairer" sex?

Readers may note that I live in Asia where the gals may be more petite but certainly no less vicious than their Western counterparts (the smallest chilli in Thailand packs the most vicious punch!).

Welcoming comment and contribution...